as i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i take a look at my life and realize there's nothin left

I don't know what the fuck happened last night, but I do know that I made the acquaintance of two boys, who introduced themselves to me and everyone else at the party as "Slim" and "Big Nasty". They sat in a corner all night and didn't say much, but were kind enough to enlighten me as to what the opening lines were for "Gangster's Paradise".

What's a Gardener's Favorite Magazine?

Weeder's Digest!

office parties

Does anyone else find office parties extremely awkward? We had one today, in honor of Saint Patrick's Day. Like anyone here is Irish. Wait, I think someone said they were "half". On second thought, that dude was Asian. Must have been a joke. My bad.

Anyway, all 40 of us gathered in the conference room that holds 10 people, to pick delicately at the food spread that covered the table. We bumped into each other awkwardly "um...sorry just wanted some pizza before fat dude in the corner eats it all", and then scramble try and find a place to eat, either in one of the coveted chairs, or those who fail to get a chair, the floor. Of course, there is the awkward standing room too. And then the even-more-awkward "standing in the doorway" room.

I think I would love office parties if they consisted of just me. Eating all that food.

Pi(e) Day: Success

I made a delicious pie, a Linzer Torte for Pi(e) Day, on 3.14 (2010)!



Please click on the photo to get the recipe which I highly, highly recommend!

exciting new developments!

5:30 girl was right on schedule, but this time carrying a yellow post-it. ok, that was not the exciting part. that actually takes the excitement out of it. the exciting part is that she said "hi!" to me, as she made her way back to her own god-damn suite.

sex

When you don't like the person, it's okay to just go ahead and do it for fun, right?? My weekend in a nutshell. Okay, I thought it would be fun, but it was just awkward.

i just pooped, EVERYWHERE

What can I say? It's hard to poo in a cup, guys! I don't know how those 2 girls did it. I am talking about giving stool samples here. I don't do those other dirty things. Jesus.

i will have to monitor these events more closely in the future

Every day at 5:30 a girl from the graphics department gets up from her desk and walks over to the next suite to exchange a few words with a boy from the QA department. I am getting more and more confused by these occurrences. We only communicate through email at this company!!

best friends and lovers are all alike

does anyone know what this means???

wow!

should i be worried?

Dear Right Thumb,
We've been through a lot together. But you have been numb all day. Time to snap out of it!

Best Regards,
The Rest of Your Body

Giraffes: the Great Debate

What?

If you haven't heard about the controversy that's taking over the scientific community by storm, it's time to jump on the bandwagon.

Let me enlighten you: Giraffes aren't real.



Some will disagree, arguing tirelessly over the fact that "I saw them! I saw them at the zoo!" To which the obvious reply is always "What? You mean those trees? Those trees with ears?"

psshhhh

weird stuff keeps happening at work

So I look over to my right and there is some blond 5 year old boy riffling through a box of plastic, large pellet guns that is under the office's fax machine. I do not know why a box of pellet guns is under the fax machine. I also do not know why there is a 5 year old blond boy in the office.

The plot thickens when a little blond girl of approximately the same age approaches him. She says:

"Bryce, you're gonna get in big trouble, mom said if you shoot those at someone you're gonna be in BIG trouble, you're gonna get spanked...IN THE BUTT."

As I write, I hear one of the guns go off from the next room. It sounds like this:

BLCCCCAAACCCKKCKCKCKCKCAKKAKCKCK

Companion Gardening: Cause Plants Need Friends Too

Spent yesterday at work learning how to plant food strategically! Am designing a whole new garden for my backyard, cause my first one bombed.

In my first garden, I had:
Beets
Green Onions
Lettuce

Gophers came and stole my lettuce, from underground! They came up from underneath and pulled those suckers right under. Then the dog came and dug up my onions and beets to find the gophers.

So anyway, companion gardening means that when you plant a certain herb or vegetable by it's "companion", then they work together to keep off predators and other bugs like aphids. They also make each other taste better!

Sprigs of mint will deter mice and ants. Planting garlic bulbs around fruit trees will keep deer away. Anise by broccoli keeps aphids off.

What an exciting world! Will post pictures of the finished product.

we're not dating anymore

I read an article about kissing the other day. It said that we are attracted to people whose immune systems are different from our own...and that women can assess immune system compatibility through kissing. Too similar? No chemistry.

So this is what happens to me after I read the article:

I'm sitting next to a guy I've just been starting to date. He has professed to really like me. We're on the couch. Sitting close. Kissing is on the mind. He goes in for the kiss, and we make out for a total of 5 seconds. I pull away, feeling very neutral about our lip locking. Then I have a brilliant idea!

"Ummm, I think our immune systems are too similar..."